it's best when no one knows

the look of desperation is always there,
beneath the surface, below the smile.
it has been there a long time,
encouraging the hardest days,
blending well with the fluttering things
that get caught outside the line of sight.

another symptom of an already worsening
disease. this deep sigh, this relentless
acceptance of better things staying hidden
away in the dark, somewhere behind the
smile where no one can get to it. it's better
that way. there's no one to hurt if it falls.

some of the happiest moments can't be told,
they would only dilute in the tepid pond of
rationalization if they were found out. secrets
have much more staying power when they're
kept unknown. hidden secrets are things of
magic that become more powerful, the fewer
that know about them.

that day you left a present on someone's doorstep
and casually walked away. it was something they
really wanted and they'll never know who gave it
to them. that time you paid for that family's dinner
and left the restaurant before they knew it was you.
last Tuesday when you honked at that woman who
fell asleep at the wheel on the freeway and backed
off before the next exit. some of the best secrets you
have, and no one knows.

how many years ago was it when you swam out in the
lake and pulled out that kid? eighteen, nineteen years
ago? he was fine, you made sure before you ran off.

that time you had to jump out of the tree house that
caught fire. the way your legs felt after the burns.
that time you almost went off the side of a cliff, but
your car swerved at the last possible moment and
you were back on the road panting, "holy shit, holy
shit, holy shit!"

but there are so many other secrets better left unsaid.
so many other times, and times yet to come. and those
secrets will always be yours. some of the best secrets
you have, and no one knows.