elude me

I've seen true joy in their eyes
and I wonder how it happens.
I wonder where it comes from
and how it can be kept.
I've reflected on myself,
looking for this happiness
and came up with a bucket
of grease and an applicator
pad.
I've seen the lifting cheeks
and the tiny lines form about
the eyes - I've seen the glow
there and it keeps me curious.
I wonder if there is a moment
in time where it all transpires,
where it blossoms,
when it begins.
I try to keep it for myself,
but it slips,
it gets away before I can
get a firm grasp.
and it's off, flying high
above me and
the sun is so bright,
I lose sight.
what is this spark,
and where does it originate?
how can it be kept?
I see it sometimes in the
strangest places and I
wonder how it got there.
I wonder how it can live
inside this without
suffocating. I wonder if
it tries to be that way, or if
it comes naturally.
the meaning eludes me.
its shape is formless
and it goes where it wants.
nothing can hold it for too long
before it slips. sometimes it comes back,
but mostly it wanders where it pleases.
it hides in the ice cream,
it resides in the drug,
it is inside, but can't be controlled.
sometimes it loses its nerve and
refuses to show.
"what are you?" I ask.
but it doesn't have the words
to explain.
"would you like to go out
for coffee sometime?"
it goes away without looking back.
"what are you? what the fuck are you?"
but it is already gone.