staring into the sun

as a boy,
i would pretend to be
anything
other than what i was.
the make believe only
needed to be fitting
for what i was going through
at the time.
i just wanted  to be something different
than what i was,
a better set of surroundings
than the prison i inherited.
but i was afraid of the dark
so i never closed my eyes
for too long.
i was afraid of the light
so i tried my best not to
stare at the sun.
this is the way it was until
i turned
fifteen and moved away from my parents home.
i tried so hard not to look back,
but there was an odd feeling
like i deserved the punishment,
like i was made to suffer.
i found that the longer
i stayed away from them,
the better i became.
eventually, i stopped looking back
altogether
until the memories
were but faded pictures
of someone else's life.
it has come to the point where
i no longer know who i am
or where i came from.
there is an emptiness in that emotion.
it's as if i never began.
i have spent so much time
trying to unravel my childhood
that i forgot to concentrate
on where i was supposed to be going
as an adult.
i didn't worry about a career or
starting a family,
and now it's too late.
but it really doesn't matter
as long as
i'm not attached to
the child i once was.
i'd rather be empty
than full of what they
expected me to be.
now when i dream,
i only pretend to be myself
because i don't know anything else.
the peace that rests behind
my eyes
is so much more brilliant
than the sun will ever be.