like evaporation

at what point is it
that you decide
that you are ready
to expire?
is it at a certain age,
or after a particularly
great meal,
deciding,
it can't possibly get any better than this
?

perhaps the idea of finality
comes when one has decided
that they have suffered enough,
endured enough,
felt just enough joy,
or held their spouse's hand
for just the right amount of time.
i consider this often.
is death an accident,
a silent, creeping thing
that always takes its victim
by surprise
?
maybe death is a thing
that is felt before it happens,
and people who succumb to it
are allotted a final peek into
their life decisions,
allowed a special burst
of realization
into the cosmic mist that
eventually
envelopes us all.

another question
that i ask is -
is it possible to just give up,
to give in to the final
gasp of air,
the tiredness, the fitful days,
the blank expression
of a life too painful
to recount
with any real zest?

i consider my own death
when i'm about to doze off
in my soft bed with clean,
bleached sheets.
i close my eyes and look into the
darkness beyond
and wonder if i'll be granted
a swift end
where there is no longer suffering-
to travel into a void of nothingness.
maybe there will be some type of
reward
for my endurance.
maybe there won't.

there is either something
                 or
                     nothing
when we drift away
and it's not as frightening
as being hopelessly awake,
trying to sift through
the madness of life,
counting pennies,
trudging through muck,
praying that when you fall,
you won't fall too hard.

but the truth is,
i don't fear death.
i only fear pain.
i fear the constant beating
of the sun on my brow.
i fear those who would do me harm.
i fear that there is a god
with the sickest sense of humor
since Genghis Khan.

but there's nothing to fear in nothingness,
at least nothing that i can remember.